Sex Jokes

jokes

Q. Three words to ruin a man’s ego…
A. “Is it in?”

Q. What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
A. They can both smell it, but can’t eat it.

Q. You know why they say that eating oysters will improve a man’s sex life?
A. Because women know if he’ll eat one of those, he’ll eat anything!

Q. Why does a bride smile when she’s walking down the aisle?
A. She knows she’s given her last blow job.

Q. Why is the space between a woman’s breasts and her hips called a waist?
A. Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

Q. What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog.
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Q. Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
A. Just when it’s getting interesting, they’re finished until next time.

 

 

Q. What is the smallest hotel in the world? A. A pussy, cause you have to leave the bags outside. Q. How can you tell a head nurse? A. She’s the one with the dirty knees! Q. What do you call three lesbians in bed together? A. Ménage é twat. Q. What did the woman say to her swimming instructor? A. “Will I really drown if you take your finger out?” Q. What’s the difference between a bandleader and a gynecologist? A. A bandleader fucks his singers and a gynecologist sucks his fingers. Q. Do you know what the square root of 69 is? A. Ate something. Q. What is the difference between “Oooh!” and “Aaah!”? A. About three inches. Q. What do you do in case of fallout? A. Put it back in and take shorter strokes!

Q. Why do women have two holes so close together? A. In case you miss. Q. When does a Cub Scout become a Boy Scout? A. When he eats his first Brownie Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end? A. So men can be open minded. Q. What’s the biggest fish in the world? A. A hore, if you catch one you can eat her for months. Q. How can you tell if your girlfriend wants you? A. When you put your hand down her pants and it feels like you’re feeding a horse. Q. Have you heard about the new ‘Mint flavored birth control pill for women that they take immediately before sex? A. They’re called ‘Predickamints’ Q. What is the difference between a golf ball and a g-spot? A. Men will spend two hours searching for a golf ball. Q. What’s the difference between parsley and pussy? A. Nobody eats parsley.

Q. What’s green, slimy and smells like Miss Piggy? A. Kermit’s Finger Q. What do you do with 365 used rubbers? A. Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear. Q. What’s the difference between sin and shame? A. It is a sin to put it in, but it’s a shame to pull it out. Q. Why did Raggedy Anne get thrown out of the toy box? A. Because she kept sitting on Pinocchio’s face moaning, “Lie to me!” Q. Why is air a lot like sex? A. Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any. Q. What did the egg say to the boiling water? A. “How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago.” Q. What did the potato chip say to the battery? A. If you’re Eveready, I’m Frito Lay. Q. What’s the best thing about a blow job? A. Ten minutes of silence!

Q. What is the difference between a bachelor and a married man? A. Bachelor comes home, sees what’s in the refrigerator, goes to bed. Married man comes home, sees what’s in the bed, and goes to the refrigerator. Q. Why is being in the military like a blowjob? A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel. Q. How are men like noodles? A. They’re always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough. Q. Why are hangovers better than women? A. Hangovers will go away. Q. Why did God create alcohol? A. So ugly people would have a chance to have sex Q. What’s the ultimate rejection? A. When you’re masturbating and your hand falls asleep. Q. What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman? A. Sexual harassment. Q. What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man? A. $3.99 a minute. Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common? A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn’t? A. A navel. Q. What did the banana say to the vibrator? A. Why are you shaking she’s going to eat me. Q. What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys? A. We’d eat pussy every Thanksgiving. Q. A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn’t report it. A. The thief was spending less then his wife. Q. Why do men die before their wives? A. They want to Q. What’s the difference between a man and ET? A. ET phoned home.

Q. What’s the difference between your paycheck and your cock? A. You don’t have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck! Q. What’s the difference between a 40 year-old man, and a 40 year-old woman? A. A 40 year-old woman dreams of having children, a 40 year-old man dreams of dating them. Q. What’s white, smells, and can be found in panties? A. Clitty litter Q. I married Miss Right. A. I just didn’t know her first name was “Always.” Q. Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women? A. When it’s time to go back to his childhood, he’s already there. Q. Who’s the world’s greatest athlete? A. The guy who finishes first and third in a masturbation contest. Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance? A. Women don’t get blow jobs while they’re driving Q. What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy? A. A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.

Q. What’s the definition of a Yankee? A. Same thing as a ”quickie”, only you do it yourself. Q. Why don’t little girls fart? A. Because they don’t get assholes until they’re married. Q. Why don’t women blink during foreplay? A. They don’t have time. Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg? A. They don’t stop for directions. Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant A. Marry it. Q. How do you make five pounds of fat look good? A. Give it a nipple. Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed? A. A cherry float.

Q. What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common? A. They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you’re screwed. Q. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood? A. When his hand caught on fire. Q. What’s better than a rose on your piano? A. Tulips on your organ. Q. Why don’t witches wear panties when flying on their broomsticks? A. Better traction. Q. What does parsley and pubic hair have in common? A. Push it aside and keep on eating… Q. How do you say 69 in Chinese? A. Twocanchew (two can chew). Q. Why is a woman’s pussy like a warm toilet seat? A. They both feel good, but you wonder who was there before you.

Q. What’s the difference between oral sex and anal sex? A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak. Q. What do women and police cars have in common? A. They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming. Q. What’s the difference between your wife and your job? A. After five years your job will still suck. Q. Who can make more money in a week, a drug dealer or a prostitute? A. The prostitute because she can wash and resell her crack. Q. What did the blind man say as he passed the fish market? A. Good morning Girls Q. What’s the difference between a whore and a bitch? A. Whore’s fuck everyone at the party, Bitches fuck everyone at the party except you. Q. What do you call it when a 90 year old man masturbates successfully? A. Miracle whip.

Q. What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common? A. Men always miss them. Q. What does do women and milk cartons have in common? A. You gotta open the flaps to get to the good stuff. Q. What does the receptionist at the sperm clinic say to clients as they are leaving? A. Thanks for coming.


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